Farewell...

so me and corbin aren't going to take a break after all. though, looking at my last post it may still be necessary, he was just as unprepared for that kind of "solution" as i was. i am still saying goodbye though. not to him, but to you. i'm afraid that another has won over my heart..............Tumblr. it just looks soo cool and i wanna try it out so i'll be continuing my life story there. i do plan to keep this up, just for a little while though until i get things at the new place all situated and then i will make my permanent move.

Thought We Were Gonna Go The Distance...

He added rozalia and julie back on his facebook...I can't handle him wanting to be friends with girls who nearly destroyed our relationship...he said fb chat could be just for us to talk, but he uses it to talk to other ppl...we may hear the other person out, but we always think our side is right and therefore never really resolve anything...knowing the consequences we continue to do what we want and treat each other any kind of way...we don't fit into each other's worlds anymore...he really needs to focus on his SATs and college apps and doesn't need me as a distraction...my love for him has turned me into an insanely possessive monster...we both want more from the other than we're actually willing to give ourselves...

These are all reasons why me and Corbin have to decided to "take a break." I know, I'm still in shock myself. I was even more surprised at the fact that it was his idea. It just seems like instead this break being just what we need to work things out so we can get back together, I'm feeling like this is the beginning of the end for me and him and that scares the hell out of me. Even when that is the best solution, no one wants to admit it and admit that all the time spent together was wasted; to admit that all along, you weren't meant each other. I'm so scared that I'll have to admit that soon. While I agreed to try this break and do think it could help in some ways, I still love him so much and the other part of me is thinking that if we start to let go now we'll never get it back and it'll just be....over. And maybe it's supposed to be...but I don't think I'm ready to let go.

Hot & Cold

So the last time I tried to make a post, it all got deleted so I just gave up on that one. Basically things weren't exactly going right between me and Corbin. But for this post, I have just the opposite to say about our relationship. Things are great! He came up to see me on Sunday and we went out to lunch then came back to my room and took a bunch of pictures with my webcam. It was a lot of fun. We never do that but that day we took cute ones and silly ones. We were matching (not on purpose!) and my hair looked the way I wanted it to. Then it got even better when his mother called to say that she would be spending the night with his brother Coy while moving back into boarding school. This gave us more time to spend together so we went back to his house and had more fun ;) I have discovered that we can never make it through one day together without getting in some sort of fight or spat but we worked it out like we always do. Overall I'd call it a perfect day for me and him.

It still bothers me that our relationship is so bi-polar though. Either we're mushy and gushy in love to the point where we make people sick; like we're permanently in the "honeymoon stage" of our relstionship. Or we're in this huge fight where no one wants to surrender and we just play the blame game till we've had enough and then finally find a way to resolve the problem. Whenever I think of how to describe our hot&cold mess, I often make the comparison between us and Allie and Noah from the movie The Notebook. In it, the couple has an undoubted chemistry that almost instantly attracts them. But at the same time, the passion between them doesn't account for their personalities which clash throughout their relationship. While they have their own problems, they also have people around them saying that they shouldn't be together; that they're not a proper couple. So what determines whether someone is right for another? Is it logic and facts that others have a way of pointing out? Or is it that insane passionate love for a person that makes you a good match? After two years and with all that me and Corbin have been through...I still don't have any answers.

It's Been A While

So it's been a long time since I've posted. Which is kinda bad because that means I missed talking about a crucial point in my life...the start of college. Move-in day went well; I went to NC State's African-American Symposium allowing me to move in early and meet lots of other black freshmen that are in my college {FYC: First Year College...for the undecided folks lol}. I made a ton of new friends as well as getting the chance to reconnect with my best friend from elementary school Jasmine. We all hung out for a few days and before I knew it classes started and it's already been a week. Time passes by so quickly. But I'm making sure I take in every moment when I can...especially the bonding times with my friends. (like right for instance, we're having a study session..well they are lol) So far my classes have been pretty good, although I am having some trouble with my pre-cal work.

I have encountered one bad thing since I've been here. I lost my wallet! It was a terrible day. I got stuck at the mall right before I had an academic obligation for FYC. I lost my debit card, license, student ID and my bus pass...I thought my life was ruined. I have a little cash and all my stuff is in the mail. I went and got another school ID and bus pass.

Other than that I've been very blessed. For example, through the Multicultural Student Affairs I was provided with a peer mentor. Someone to act as a "big brother or sister" through my first year of school. Colton Palmer from my high school was made as mine. I felt extremely lucky with him carrying on his reputation for being the "big man on campus" making me the envy of my friends and allowing me to obtain free tickets to all Tally Parties (the biggest on the campus hosted by the Kappas). Speaking of which, we have one of those coming up this Friday...I'm super pumped! :)

I Could Be On Parental Control One Day

Saturday me and the bf were supposed to go shopping together for quality time and to take advantage of tax free weekend. Apparently his mother doesn't want us to be together and uses her control over him to keep us apart. So she tells him that she's going to take us to the mall; which meant that his brother would be going too. That morning, I found out my mother gave my stepdad my bank card to go get cash and forgot to give it back before he left for work. So my mom went to go get it from him and I told Corbin that because I wasn't ready to leave, to tell his mother to wait before they left the house until I got my card. He failed to do that and it wasn't until they were parked outside of my house that he finally told her. Then she pulled off and went to the mall without me...even though it was my idea to go the mall in the first place. So it takes me a couple hours to finally make it to Southpoint and had only been there for an hour when his mother called him saying she was ready to leave -_- I wasn't surprised. I walked Corbin out where we saw his mom heading for the car, not bothering to wait. Then litterally begins backing out of the parking spot while we say goodbye to each other. Much to her surprise, I "forgot" to speak and walked away.

I could tell she already didn't want Corbin to be with me, my mother feels the same about him but at least she's not rude or vindictive. Mrs. Cameron however... now every chance she gets, she makes a point to fuss at Corbin about how bad of a gf I am. She lectured him about how he always helps me but I never help him and all this other bullshit and told him that he couldn't help me move in my dorm TWO DAYS FROM NOW and we were counting on him going because he has a truck. She was mad that he had rearranged his schedule so that he could come with me that day and told him that none of that mattered. Now he has Thursday completely free and will be busy all Friday morning; not only can he not help, but he can't even come to see me off. How fucked up is that? My parents were furious.

I know this may have been avoided if I had spoken that day but I really felt that she was being disrespectful and while I'm usually nice to her despite her behavior, I was really upset and didn't feel obligated at all to speak. After all, I am an adult now, she said it herself. So why should I go out of my way to be nice to someone who's being rude to me if they're on my same level?

Just His Luck

So things have been kind of rollar coastery lately. The beginning of the week was good but it was all downhill from there. Me and the bf had been fighting quite a bit and I was hoping that our date night tonight would help me forget about everything. But when there are plans for potential happiness for me and him, there's always something getting in the way. He had to go to work earlier and he hadn't asked for permission to go out yet so that meant he was gonna be asking kind of last minute which made me worry cuz his mom upsets easily and wouldn't like that. Then before he made it home, his mother had him run an errand and of course instead of saying why he wouldn't have the time, he complied making him late. Then he was going to have to change and go get his car from his grandmother's house because his truck was out of gas. Needless to say, we decided to skip on the movie. That got me really down. And like most situations, it's not the event necessarily it's just that it piles on to previous predicaments that makes it so bad. So after making it up in my mind that I would make the most out of my situation, I sucked it up and thanked the Lord that my parents decided to go out to dinner-leaving the house vacant. And instead of immediately making plans to go somewhere else, we thought we'd stay in for a while... Then we went out for ice cream and I got a medium cup of cheesecake ice cream:) Normally I would sulk in my room over ruined plans but the night turned out to be great!

And then of course, as it always does, fate stepped in when Corbin got home and things went horribly wrong between him and his mother. She has a way of completely changing his mood and this time it was for no reason at all. Just her trying to control what little bit of privacy and freedom he has-his phone. I hate it when he's upset..he doesn't control his anger well which is usually what gets him in trouble in the first place. He feels as though he should have some rights esp. to things that he pays for but in his household, his mother is the dictator and demands submission from those under her roof. But on top of Corbin being INCREDIBLY stubborn, he also has anger management issues. So when she makes him mad, he snaps back and low and behold we've got tension and a fight for power which his mother wins everytime.

Dealing with him after such a debacle is hard work indeed. I know if he wasn't in a relationship with me, there would have been many times where he would have left the house and gotten himself into way more trouble than he does already. I'm glad he calls when he's upset...I can only imagine the apprehension that would take over if he ever ran off.

He loves turning things back on me when I point out one of his faults. But he never thinks about things from my point of view. I wait for him all the time. Whether it's for him to call or come over or like in school when I would have to wait for him in between classes. But God forbid he ever has to wait me...and he just moves on. He would go into the locker room if I was running late to school instead of our usual meeting spot; and any other time he'll just find something to keep himself occupied. That gets soooo annoying. I invited him over but I had to wait for my mom to get home. Then she had already gotten home later than usual so i texted him right away. 40minutes later he calls to say that he was just leaving the shop on the way home to change clothes before he came -_- but according to him, he was just waiting on me which he repeated several times as if to say it was all because of me and my family that he wasnt on the way yet. I mean is that complete bull or what? If he had been at home dressed, he could have come over at 5 instead of 6. Oh but it's on me. Boy Bye.

And apparently blaming me for things is contagious because my mom just came in asking about the doctors appointment I was supposed to have. I told her she was supposed to check the date and time. Now she's claiming it was on the papers she brought home...but it wasn't. I'm not stupid, I would've remembered. I can hear her now fumbling through papers. It's probably that same packet that DOESN'T have the apoointment date on it. smdh.

lalalalala:)

I was planning on talking about my vacation but the last time I did, I accidently deleted it and I got so upset that now I don't want to write about it anymore...too much. I may do it another time. Anyways, I'm feeling pretty good today. I hung out with Corbin all day and it was great...for the most part. There were some rough patches of course, he knows just how to get under my skin. I'm still really greatful for the time we got to spend together. Ususally something always gets in the way but today we hung out for hours uninterrupted and besides the little spats we had a wonderful time ;) lol Then the night before I hung out with one of my best friends Rashaunda. I haven't done that in so long and I had missed her company. Overall this is turning out to be a terriffic week! While I am excited for college to begin, I am truly going to miss them which reallllllly bums me out :/ I hope my mom finds another car to buy soon...I'm definitely gonna need some form of transportation to visit all my friends.

August 13th Here I Come:)

So I went shopping yesterday with my mother. It was reallly fun. First, we went to Wal-Mart. We got towels, bowls and cups, folders, notebooks, highlighters, index cards, and iron (which is pink!) and probably some other stuff that I just can't remember right now. Then we went to AT&T where my mom got a new phone. We ate lunch from McDonald's and then off we went to Target. I got decoratice crates to hold my books and stuff. I got these cute little containers shaped like the popcorn boxes you get at the movies, I got cute shower shoes and more underwear...and a new strapless bra because my dog chews everything!!! I didnt even realize he had done anything to it until i put it on and felt the underwire poking me in my chest. And again, Im sure I got more stuff. We did sooooo much shopping. But I was excited. It just got me more hyped up about the days to come. I can't wait till I move in and get to set up my side of the room-which will be in brown&turquoise. I love the color combo. Now all I need is my matching tote bag and an area rug. You know they dont give you carpet unless you pay to have it put in? Oh but wait it gets better, the other dorm across from us just got carpet installed over the summer. One of my friends would not stop bragging about it. Still, Im counting down the days till I leave this wretched town. The only people I will truly miss here is Corbin and my mother...and that's only if they stay on my good side:) I just hope I can get my car back soon so Ill be able to visit my goons Danielle, Rashaunda and Megan. Im gonna miss them soo much. Danielle wont be far away which is good. Unfortunately the other half of our group will be all the way in Greensboro. Im starting to feel the separation anxiety already! I try not to think about it. Id rather think about all the good things like freedom and trying new things, meeting new people. From what Ive heard, college seems to meet the high expectations everyone makes for it which only feed feul to the fire to get me going, ready to get started and see what its like. Ugggghhhh I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

25 Days To Go!

blahhh...

My head is hurting sooo bad right now. It's been killing me for the past two days and nothing is working. Normally around this "time of the month" it only lasts like 1 day. But this pain is no joke and my head would really like some peace. That's why Im on the computer at 2 in the morning. I mean usually I stay up this late anyway, but I was actually tired tonight and I promised my bf that I would go to bed early. Unfortunately I had to let him down. The throbbing of my temples would not let me sleep and then I wasn't tired anymore. That's how I ended up here. Bored, lonely, and in pain. My eyelids are heavy but my body won't allow me to enter dreamland :( I have to say this is pretty depressing. Im supposed to be getting up early tomorrow because me and my mother are going shopping for school while sales are going on and Im going to be running on no sleep. Surprisingly, Im usually fine doing that. But come time for me to go to work...Im dreading the thought as we speak. Im gonna be dead and the only one there so there's no one to pile the work onto :/ The more I talk about it, the more I want to curl up in the fetus position and never get up.

Some Kind of Conspiracy

Right about now I'd say my satisfactory level with life is pretty low. I can't seem to find peace with myself and everyone around me is conspiring to make my life misrable.

At Work: Nothing ever gets done. I'm one of the very few (like 2) ppl that actually tries. And God forbid I dont get my work done since Im also one of the very few (LIKE THE ONLY ONE) who's watched on the cameras everytime I work. I guess that can be considered a good thing though because if everyone else was watched, I'd be the only one employed. My routine at work consists of coming in and then immediately beginning the tasks that were supposed to be done during the last shift. Little things like cleaning off dirty tables, cleaning the entire floor, restocking all the utensils and condiments, filling ketchup bottles and cheese shakers, and sometimes even the ice when that doesnt get filled...but no biggie -_- While most sit around and text, I check my phone and then go back to work. I mean it's ridiculous. The new girl, aside from being an avid texter, lied about going to a funeral to get out of work so she could go to the beach with her parents..really, you faked a death just for that? Well damn I mean I hope you had the time of your life! The other new girl who tranfered from one of our other restaurants is also a texter...the first day I met her I watched her go sit down in the office and text. But do you think she will be penalized...not likely. My job is on the top of my list of reasons why I am constantly wishing that the next day will be move-in day at State.

At home: Things are just peachy. My mother's boyfriend is great and you can really rely on him...to sit in the living room all day playing video games...to sit on the computer or in front of the tv and blast his favorite rap songs for hours on end or watch the same movies and tv shows that every other ghetto black person int he country is watching on BET....to leave at night to go hang with the boys till the wee hours of the morning...to "hang with the boys" till the wee hours and actually be at his ex-gf's house....to do any and everything he wants. Can you count on him to wash the dishes? To do the laundry? To clean...anything? To cook? Nope. He's a dead-beat mooch who cheats on my mother and he's not good for anything else. And my mother...idk what's worse...the fact that he goes behind her back to see some ugly bitch every chance he gets or that she knows and catches him a lot of the time and does nothing. But it makes me sick to my stomach. She's even gotten on me about asking his permission to do stuff because he's "the man of the house" ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? HOW IS HE GONNA BE THE HEAD OF A HOUSE HE DOESN'T PAY RENT FOR?? ugggghhhh they both piss me off. And lately it's been the worst. He doesnt act like he's a part of the family as it is but now my mom's been in this funk for the longest and I just wish it would end. It's not like we have to keep him for his money...he doesnt' pay anything anyway. Kicking him out would be a way to save on electricity, gas and food. But no, instead we live the way we do. Also one of the reasons Im ready to leave already.

In my Relationship: Everyone has their troubles to get through but our's never seem to end. If it's not trying to find the time in his busy schedule to see me, or my mother nagging me about never hanging out with my friends (meaning, I wish you wouldnt spend so much time with him) its crazy wanna side hoes who wont leave my man the hell alone. The skank to my right is Rozalia. She's been after my bf for the longest time and cant seem to loosen her grip. I got him to stop talkin to her for a while but she always came back. I scared her away by talking her myself and while she was gone she worked up some courage and came back...boldly. Sending him messages telling him how much she missed him and all that other bullshit. While sharing an anecdote with facebook about another one of his side hoes, this one commented: "lol" ha she made me laugh as well. What exactly were you laughing at when your just as crazy as the other girl? Then she sent me a message telling me my bf came to her house to give her a goodbye present before she moved. Well he definitely gave her something she wasn't expecting. Face-to-Face rejection. Nice try but your gonna have to better than lying....She also realized this and today, when my bf got home his little brother told him that she had been chatting him. Dogging me, trying to convince him that he should talk to his brother about breaking up with me so that she could have him. Was that really the best you could come up with? Well that was pathetic. In all this time that you've wasted chasing someone who doesn't want you, you couldve been focusing on trying to find a man that might. Good Luck though, you're defnitely gonna need it.

The pasty one one the right is Julie. This one right here is a piece of work. And while talking to Corbin's brother about breaking up with me does give Julie a run for her money, this girl was no small feat in my quest to keep my bf to myself. They'd been friends for a while when I came into the picture and all was good until me and Corbin had so many problems that we broke up last summer. That's when it all began. They were camp counselors together, giving her the chance to see him everyday which Im sure he loved. What she obviously didnt know is that he was still talking to me. We were still seeing each other and still having sex. So it was of course no surprise to most of our friends when we got back together. For her, it was a different story. Getting all of her friends to join in she made a complete ass of herself making it seem like there was something goin on btw her and my bf. And I suppose wanting everyone to be even, by staying friends with her, Corbin helped her succeed in making me look like an ass as well. But after a long and streuous battle, their friendship was ended and all was right in the world. But she didnt stay away long and much like Rozalia, she was also one for sending messages but uniquely when she didnt get replies she would become enraged, telling Corbin that she was done with him and he was a waste of time. I cannot count the number of times she said that on my fingers and toes. Then months after he'd stopped talking to her and deleted her as a friend, she got his new cell number and texted him, giving the her signature speech and also in her own special way, she contacted him the next day...he had eight missed calls. It's all over...for now. What it will take for them to move on to someone available that wouldnt mind dating a psycho...idk but hopefully they'll figure out something soon.

In the mean time, I'll be trying my hardest to get through exactly 28 more days until I move to Raleigh..Im sure the fun will really begin for my relationship when Im gone.

FML

So...

I decided to start fresh by deleting all my past posts. they were ancient anyway..it's been forever since I've been on here. But, I figured what better time to start back then right before i go off to college? I applied to four different colleges: Appalacian State, NC State, UNC and Elon. My first choice was UNC but, to put it simply...fuck them. I chose North Carolina State University. And I'm really excited about going there. I wasn't at first but Raleigh has so much more going on than Chapel Hill and I already have a great group of friends that'll be there with me.

I felt really lucky when i found out that Jasmine and Ebony were going there too. I met both of them in elelmentary school...me and Jasmine were best friends. Then I moved from Chapel Hill to Durham and have been here ever since. We kept in touch some but now I'm anxious to rekindle our friendship as we try and get through college life. I especiallly felt lucky to have found her when i began to notice how many friends she already had there. Including some of the football players (I have a weakness for jocks, esp football players b/c they're so built). So, without having to do any extra work of making friends and connections with ppl, we always have plans and ppl to hang out with whenever we want. We also have a mutual friend joining us named Antonia who is from Raleigh so she knows the area and all the places to go.

The first place I plan to go is Fubar: Fucked Up Beyond All Repair

I can't wait for college:)